^{Buy a Dodge and Maybe You Aren't Gay!}

I'm not sure who's in charge of Dodge's ad campaign, but their attempts to spotlight their products consistently showcase some odd form of suburban sexual insecurity.

This didn't occur to me until the latest commercial went so over the top with the theme I started paying attention to older Dodge commercials - especially Durango spots - and saw the sad, frightened men in these spots and, in all likelihood, the sad, frightened men making these spots. The latest ad takes place at a clean cut suburban barbecue. A beautiful woman tells her friend how she convinced her husband that they should buy a Durango. She talks about the smooth ride and the DVD player. She says it's "not too big, not too small." Then we cut to her husband working the grill and talking to another guy. He says, "So I told her, 'Listen, Bitch, we're getting a man car, a big fucking SUV so I can haul my enormous dick around and that's that.'"

Okay, I paraphrased, but close enough. In fact, I think if you turn the volume way up, as the ad fades out you can hear him say "Who you callin' not too big, bitch?"

I think we've reached a turning point with SUVs. Dodge seems to understand, or at least to fear, that SUVs are seen as glorified mini-vans, which is pretty much what they are. In another Durango spot, the wife explains to her young son the features of their new Durango he will love. She tells him and his teddy bear about the smooth ride and the DVD player. The husband complains, "What are you doing to him?" Then we cut to him holding his son in the driveway with the hood up. "Son," he says, pointing to the engine, "there's only one thing you need to know. Can you say 'Hemi'?"

"Hemi," the boy says and the father puts him down, clearly thrilled that his son is so not gay.

First of all, is there a snowball's chance in hell a four year old will like the engine of the family car more than the DVD player in the family car?

These spots are desperately trying to fight off the idea that SUVs have become too suburban and girly. Chevy comes right out and calls one of their SUVs the Suburban. Dodge seems to be populated by insecure men, because they call their cars things like Durango and Ram. The spots try to make the argument that you can buy an SUV for your family in the suburbs without being a civilized, restrained girly man with a potentially gay son. (They should turn these commercials into a comedy. Can you imagine Will Farrell whining out the line "What are you doing to him?")

This subtext started in a series of earlier Dodge commercials I call "Eat my dust, Stoners!" Those had the guy in the Dodge truck getting into automotive confrontations with two gearheads. The kids pull up next to him at a light and ask "That thing got a hemi?" Dodge man then races away, demonstrating that he has hemi and knows how to use it. These commercials sought to establish that if you bought a Dodge, you would impress teenage gearhead stoners. It seems to me that if you're going to spend $25,000 you should have higher goals than impressing a guys who tool around 7-11 with a six-pack and a backseat littered with Hot Rod magazines. Hell, if you get out of bed you should have higher goals than that, but insecurity has made the Dodge people timid.

Reaching back even further, the Dodge ad men tried to prove their sexual vigor with an icky ad for the Dodge Concorde, an upscale luxury car. A mom - it's interesting that Dodge seems to believe no single people buy cars - drives her daughter around a well-manicured suburb. The daughter, who looks to be about seven or eight, asks why she's named Savannah. "Because that's where you were conceived."

While this exchange should bring even the idea of this commercial to a screeching halt, the Dodge Concorde rolls smoothly along. The daughter, unperturbed by the mental image of her parents screwing in the Georgia heat, looks into the back seat at a baby riding in a car seat. (It's an infant in a forward facing car seat, by the way, a safety lapse that would certainly undermine whatever protective features the car offers.) "What about little Concorde," she asks.

In the original version of this commercial, the daughter looks around the car's interior and all the "Concorde" logos and says "Ewwww!" something she should have said a couple of lines ago. Actually, she should have popped open her door, rolled out and tried to make a break for it, but she just says "Ewwww!" and the commercial fades to the legal small print. In the second version, the mother clips off her daughter's realization with "Concorde, New Hampshire, silly."

Although the father is absent from this commercial, he's certainly present by his vigor. Yep, buy a tony upscale town car and you can still fuck like a teenager, meaning in a car. What does this do for the resale value of Dodge cars?

Potential buyer: "There's plenty of room in the backseat."

Dodge owner: "Oh, the stories I could tell you ... Do you have a few hours? I don't mind talking."

I've heard that there's yet another Dodge commercial featuring two guys at urinals talking about size. Turns out they're only talking about trucks. Didn't see that coming, did ya? In the original version, the two guys were sharing a prostitute, but Dodge opted for subtlety. I haven't seen this commercial. It probably aired only on cable, but it barely needs interpretation.

Now we can look forward to the next step in Dodge's continual effort to display the sexual insecurity of their ad department: The Lingerie Bowl. During Superbowl halftime, Dodge will be the sole sponsor of a pay-per-view seven on seven game of tackle football between lingerie-wearing models. From the department of redundancy department, there will be cheerleaders. Say what you will about this idea. Maybe it's an insult to women and sport. Possibly it's even an insult to lingerie. Maybe it's tacky, tasteless, a sure sign of the apocalypse, and misogynist. But it is so not gay.

And neither are the manly men who create Dodge ads. They are vigorous, impressive men who spawn totally heterosexual children, engage in productive sexual congress with fertile women in the backseats of their "Ram tough" vehicles and approach urinals without fear. And if you suggest anything different, you're probably the sort of girly man who wouldn't watch Lingerie Bowl.