^{Reviews of Moviews I've Never Seen}

The theory behind reviewing movies without actually seeing them is simple: some movies just aren't worth the time. It probably isn't fair, but since I'm bombarded with trailers, ads, reviews and celebrity culture, and since movies are always derivative, it doesn't seem unfair either.

Besides, it shouldn't cost eight bucks to have an opinion.

Life or Something Like It

I'll state right at the top that Angelina Jolie has never entertained me. Not once. I suppose I should give her some credit for marrying Billy Bob Thorton. She has given other actresses who may be inclined to marry Billy Bob Thorton a break by throwing herself on the grenade, as it were. This doesn't place me in her debt, but I'm trying to be generous. She is indirectly responsible for revealing that C-Dog uses the word "hammers" when he means to say "gonzagas," as in, "Tomb Raider gives boys the opportunity to gawk at Angelina Jolie's hammers." That entertained me, but it's hard to give Jolie credit for it.

Have you ever faced a crossroads in your life? Have you ever faced a difficult decision, one of such weight it left you hesitant and confused? Have you ever faced that uncertain future and wondered,

"What would Angelina Jolie do?"

Me neither. Life or Something Like It made the mistake - before shooting a single frame of film - of thinking we want to learn life lessons from Angelina Jolie. We don't. We want to see her gonzagas. (And by 'we,' I mean those of you who see her movies.) Even though it has the title of a sitcom NBC might stick after Friends, Life or Something Like It is one of those message movies about seizing the day and realizing that love is good. It's also one of those ridiculously sexist movies about how career women are shallow bitches who need sex to straighten them out.

Jolie plays an ambitious, fake and cut-throat TV interviewer. I'm not sure if this is supposed to play off of Jolie's real life status as something of an ambitious mannequin. I sense the moviemakers don't think so. Anyway, Jolie is accosted by a homeless person played by Tony Shalhoub, who is giving Janeane Garofalo a run for her title as the coolest actor in the worst movies. Shalhoub tells her that she will die in a week. Going by the theory that deranged prophecy-spouting homeless guys should always be trusted, Jolie realizes the errors of her ways, seizes the day and has sex with Ed Burns.

I understand there are segments of our society that want to punish women for their ambition, that want to give career women a certain comeuppance for their alleged indifference to family, but ... sleeping with Ed Burns? Come on, it's not like she killed somebody.

Why doesn't this movie harp on Ed Burns' career as Jolie's cameraman? She's an artificial and shallow parasite. But none of us would know that if he didn't point the friggin' camera at her, right? How come he's not accosted by bums telling him he'll be dead in a week unless he goes to work for public television? Because he's a guy and the filmmakers think we'll blindly accept that there's something wrong with a career woman. Because of course, Hollywood filmmakers are famous for being humble family men devoid of ambition.

Enough

Here's a movie I can review without actually seeing it because I did see it. I saw it back when it was called Sleeping With The Enemy, and it wasn't very good then. Jennifer Lopez is an abused wife who goes into hiding but is, of course, found. When police shackled by the "Constitution" and social services crippled by their own impotence can't help and don't respect the danger she's in, Lopez takes matters into her own hands. She goes through a handful of music-driven training sequences and becomes single mom commando. In the climactic scene, she beats up her husband, probably telling him some abusive put-down line he used to say to her.

Noah Wylie, Carter on "ER," is in the credits and I almost want to watch just to see where he turns up. He doesn't look like the husband so he could be the spokesperson for the agencies that are supposed to protect women like Lopez but don't. He has to explain to her that he's a weenie and his agency is pretty much useless. Or he's a new friend or love interest who gets through her barriers and teaches her to live and love again. And then he's killed by her ex-husband in a scene that will be surprising to you if you've never seen a movie before.

Why does Lopez go through hundreds of hours of kickboxing? Why doesn't she just buy a gun? Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of martial arts and not a big gun supporter, but martial arts could help her years and years down the road. If she's really in danger now and if she has a kid to raise and can't be working the bag all day and she really has, as the previews tell us, "a divine animal right to protect your life and the life of your offspring," don't you think she'd be buying a gun?

I believe the line on our divine and animal rights is delivered by Juliette Lewis and I just have to say,if you're taking advice on the divine from Juliette Lewis, you've got problems.

If she does buy a gun I'm sure her husband gets rid of it in some super-sneaky commando way because the moviemakers want an extended fight scene. How pathetic. Look, spousal abuse rarely looks like a friggin' Jackie Chan movie, okay?

Here's a movie that's ridiculously sexist but doesn't understand why. There probably will be audiences, and audiences of women, who will stand up and cheer when Lopez smacks down her ex-husband. I understand this on a certain fantasy level. We want to see our criminals gunned down in movies and our miscreants whooped on. And we want our victims to rise up and do some of the smacking. On some level this is good and cathartic.

But for the most part, the message is simple. Social services, shelters, child protection agencies and anything that builds society's safety net are all useless. The police are too restrained by courts and bleeding heart "laws" to protect us. And victims, like battered women, have a recourse available to them - thousands of hours of kickboxing training - and if they don't take advantage of this perfectly reasonable path and rise up, it's their own fault. They obviously don't care enough about their "offspring." The message is simple and ugly.