^{Makes Me Wanna Puke}

What did you get in trouble for in school? The list of potential offenses is pretty long. How about "offended a corporate partner"? You may have heard some of these stories. Students have gotten in trouble for refusing to wear green on Green Bay Packer Day or wearing Pepsi shirts on Coca-Cola Day. School systems have been selling access to students in exchange for money or facilities or "corporate lessons" of dubious value. So suddenly, corporations are joined with teachers as authority figures demanding respect. I never got in trouble for disrespecting corporate America, but if I went to high school today, I probably would.

In my day (class of '88), this freakish whoring of school children to corporations only took place in really poor schools. (On a side note, nearby Hartford school system flat out sold public education to a private corporation a few years back. The corporation promised they would not make a profit until the schools were cleaned up and students were excelling on test scores. They swore up and down that they only wanted to do this to demonstrate that they could and the profit would come later, when we would gratefully turn it over or other districts would beg them to swoop in for a rescue. By year three, they were trying to hide their budget from taxpayers so no one could see their profit margins. If you're even asking if the schools improved, you're a Republican.)

The Stonington, Connecticut school system recently prodded all of its students into a mandatory assembly hosted by McDonalds. A corporate representative then explained the horrors of devastating the rainforests to provide cattle with grazing land, pointed out the environmental, ethical and health benefits of a vegetarian diet and demonstrated the justice of raising the minimum wage. Ha-Ha. Just kidding. Of course, what she did was play a film about the joys of working in the fast food industry and hand out applications for local McDonalds restaurants. If you filled out an application, you got free coupons! The purpose of this "corporate partnership" was "career education." After the applications, the McDonalds rep held mock interviews with volunteers. When asked to talk about himself, 15 year- old Tristan Kading, activist and vegetarian, said that he hated large corporations such as McDonalds. "That won't get you a job at McDonalds," he was helpfully told. "Oh, I'm sorry. Let me try again," Kading said. Ha-Ha. Kidding again. Kading pointed out that he didn't want to work at McDonalds because of its unethical history. The sophomore was removed and forced to read an apology over the P.A. system in which he declared himself a bad student that no teacher would want. (Kading apparently wrote the apology with the principal's approval. Sounds like he might have been working in some bragging into the apology. Good for him.)

This has become something of a story here in Connecticut. Principal Stephen Murphy insists that this has nothing to do with free speech. Kading was disruptive, Murphy claims, and that is why he was punished. Ah, Seymour Skinner would be proud. It's not the speech, it's the way the little refusnik delivered it. Except no one has indicated that Kading did anything loud or obscene. In fact, a different student made what the papers are calling "juvenile jokes" and was asked to shut up before Kading had his mock interview. This other student, however, was not forced to make a public apology. It's pretty clear that Kading got in trouble because he did not play nice with McDonalds.

If schools try to answer budget cuts and right wing attacks on public education by opening the doors to businesses and cramming corporate infotainment down the throats of their students, they shouldn't be surprised when one of those students spits it back at them.

Speaking of vomiting, Kading mentioned McDonalds' lies about its french fries at the assembly. I had not heard this, but McDonalds, which has always insisted that their french fries are fried in vegetable oil and are therefore vegetarian, has actually been using beef oil and/or beef flavoring. I bring this up for two reasons. First, because the lying bastards should be sued and anyone bringing forth a class action lawsuit should contact me via this site. And secondly, I can only remember going to McDonalds twice in the last six or seven years. Once on my way out to C-Dog and Mega's at a rest area (supersize fries and coffee) and before that in New York for Neil's 30th birthday party (supersize fries). (Note to self: when in New York, let Rob pick the restaurants and Neil pick the bowling alleys.) Both times I wound up puking my guts out within 12 hours. The shakes, the heaves, the sweats, the whole malaria act. Now, okay, I can blame myself for New York on account of I was drinking like a furloughed research monkey. But nothing explains the DT's I had in Rhode Island. I even titled the mix tape we made The Inexplicable Hangover Tape. I've been a vegetarian for about 12 years and this is the way meat hits me. Of course, I didn't know I was eating meat.

Kading has done at least two good things. The Stonington Board of Ed is looking into its policies on corporate presence in the classroom. (While they're investigating, why don't they make Principal Murphy read an apology over the P.A. system?) Secondly, it's by way of this incident that I've found out the truth about McDonalds' fries. Future incidents of vomiting will be my own responsibility. Unless there's something we don't know about the bread at Subway. You can read the initial Hartford Courant report. Fortunately, 15 year-old boys don't take well to being pushed around and Kading has said that he would do the same thing all over again.