^{George W. Bush's Subliminable [sic] Campaign}

September 3:

At a political rally, George W. Bush points out to running mate Dick Cheney a “major league asshole,” reporter Adam Clymer, in the crowd. The comment is caught on a live mic on the stage.

Although initially assumed to be a blunder, later events revealed this off-hand comment to be the first in W’s new “below the radar” strategy. After polls showed the majority of Americans consider swearing and thin-skinned whining the mark of a true leader, W’s handlers scripted the comment for him and deliberately allowed it to be recorded.

Dick Cheney does his part also, falling quickly into his lickspittle role. “Big time,” he chimes in. His quick affirmations of W’s wit reminds voters of another component of true leaders: fawning ass-kissers.

September 10:

W’s new television ad gets more attention than it would otherwise when remote control-wielding Democrats discover that the word “rats” appears first on the screen during fade-in lettering. Advertising executives point out that this is intentional subliminal messaging, intending to imply that W’s opponents are “rats.” The word appeared in the line “Al Gore and Joe Lieberman are satanic, pedophilic bureaucrats.”

September 12:

W repeatedly mispronounces the word “subliminal” on CNN. This maneuver, mocked by some, speaks directly to the American people, saying “Don’t trust people who seem too smart.”

September 14:

“And he shall have a home by the sea. And in his first nights there, his body weary from many labors, he shall be awakened by great thundering and lightning. And he shall endeavor to seal his house, but it will be as a strange map of unfamiliar land in his mind and he shall bonk his head mightily and even the beasts of the sea will say ‘Ouch, that’s gotta hurt!’”
- Deuteronomy 5:11-13

This has nothing to do with W’s campaign, I just felt obligated to point out an instance of Biblical prophecy coming true.

September 18:

The Bush campaign is bogged down for two days during the filming of W’s one-hour appearance on The Oprah Winfrey show. Trying to imitate previous guests, W insists on crying as he tells his life story. “All the other kids at Andover had more horses than me. And do you know what it did to my self-esteem when Yale accepted me even though, let’s face it, I’m not the swiftest cookie in the drawer.” His aides insist on reshooting the episode again and again.

Oprah then insisted on her own reshoots after W ended the appearance with a deep, forceful tongue kiss of the host. “What?” W said, “It worked for Gore. Oh, right, the marriage thing.”

September 22:

A caller to right wing harpy “Dr.” Laura Schlesinger’s show draws complaints of foul play from Democrats. “Tipper from Tennessee” complains over the air that her husband “Al, a former senator, current vice-president and presidential candidate” is making their marriage difficult. She claims he will only have “relations” with her while wearing his former seminary school uniform and hearing her read from The Communist Manifesto in a smutty Russian accent. A spokesman for the Republican National Committee says, “Da, we have nothing to do with this, but it makes you wonder, da?”

October 5:

W names the Christian rappers “God Loves White People” his official campaign band. He announces that their song “(Anybody Who Doesn’t Think That George W. Bush is Qualified to be President Can) Suck my Mac-10” is his official campaign theme song. Democrats hold a press conference to demonstrate that when the song is played backwards, the words “smirky is sexy” can be heard. The Washington Times claims the message is really “monkey dyslexia,” demonstrating W’s concern for learning impairments among animals.

October 11:

W unveils a new series of commercials in which he appears swinging a pocket watch in front of the camera and saying, “You are getting sleepy… You will vote for George W. Bush … You will not laugh when I say ‘jud-ish-airy’… You will vote for George W. Bush …” A spokesperson for the Bush campaign said this was W’s new way of “connecting with voters.”

October 18:

Millions of voters in crucial swing states receive chain letters reading in part:

Jimmy Thompson of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Illinois did not vote for George W. Bush next month and then a cement truck fell on him. Do you want that to happen to you? Carla Michaels of New York, Florida and New Jersey voted for George W. Bush next month but did not send him any money and while nothing bad happened to her, nothing good happened either. Why don’t you cover your bases and both vote for George W. Bush and send him money? Also, if you don’t mind, could you pass this letter along? Because we’re running kind of low on funds.

The Bush campaign claims that they have nothing to do with the letters. When reporters point out that the return address was filled out to W’s headquarters, the Bush campaign closes and locks the doors. “No one’s home,” they shout through the doors.

October 25:

W. unveils his children’s Halloween costumes at a press conference. “This is wholesome family fun. Nothing political here. No Washington games, just my lovely children dressed up as the four horsemen of the apocalypse – Death, Famine, War and Gore.”

November 7:

Bush speaks to CNN at the start of Election Day. “Now I’m not saying that twenty dollar bills collected completely legally from my daddy’s friends will spit out of the voting booth if you vote for me, but you never know, right?”

When CNN host Bernard Shaw expresses outrage at the suggestion, W says “Why that was just a joke, a little bit of Texas humor. No payoff implied at all.”

“Governor, you’re winking.”