^{Monday Night Football}

The suits at ABC are obviously in a tizzy to reinvent Monday Night Football and slow the steady ratings decline. Instead of just resigning to the fact of cable and facing the realization that Howard Cosell was never really that interesting, ABC has decided that hosts are key to the show’s success.

I mean really, back in the day, would anybody have watched Howard Cosell if “Battle of the Network Stars” wasn’t all static-y? The only worthwhile thing Cosell ever did was give play-by-play to Woody Allen’s sex life in Bananas.

ABC wants to jazz up MNF with new hosts, most notably Dennis Miller. On the plus side, that’s one less former athlete or coach we have to hear mangle the language. I personally would rather eat kitty litter than hear Jerry Glanville call a game. Everytime I see or hear Phil Simms I try to figure out which shuddering deathtrap of a car he sold me.

Remember when the TV geniuses gave Bill Parcells a job under the great coach/great broadcaster myth? That at least was entertaining. You’d hear the standard babble coming out of his mouth – “He’s gotta get his head in the game.” – but his expression would just scream, “You’re a fucking maggot, Gifford. How are you smart enough to still be breathing, you pasty slug?”

Miller told Sports Illustrated that he would not dominate the broadcast, that his role is to be part of a team, asking the questions a fan would ask. It’s probably a good strategy. As a fan, I usually have only a few questions:

 What are you, an idiot?
 How could you not see that?
 Do horse steroids mess up your brain?
 Should I get another beer?
 How could you not see that?

You need a hyper-verbose guy like Miller to dress that stuff up.

ABC passed over Rush Limbaugh for the job. Apparently, they decided they couldn’t compete with Monday night wrestling for the slackjawed moron demographic. Can you imagine Rush, who is neurologically compelled to lie, calling a football game?

“But Rush, the score is 21 to 10.”

“Folks, that’s yet another myth perpetrated by the Miami Dolphins and their willing accomplices in the liberal media! The American people are not going to accept this so-called score!”

Tinkering with the hosts, of course, doesn’t change the problem with Monday Night Football which is that they broadcast a football game. Modern football games, competing with professional baseball, decided to be long and boring. Instant replay, sponsored groin injuries, the San Diego Chargers, no matter what it does, the NFL votes for boredom. I mean, these guys are supposed to be athletes, can’t they get off the field any faster?

Most football games are broadcast during Sunday’s football slot (approximately 8 am to 2 am). This is when I spent three and a half to four hours watching about fifteen minutes of athletic competition. Then, after the Patriots lose, I promise never to make that mistake again. By Monday, I still remember that promise. Saturday Night Football might work, since there would be no competition from wrestling, fewer people have to face work the next day, and everyone has had six days to forget how boring these games can be.

If tinkering with the hosts does not lift the ratings, expect ABC to make some other changes. I suggest that at the end of each quarter, the teams be forced to vote one of their players off the island. They could also have special “pig pile” kick-offs, during which some annoying TV personality would be on the field, such as Regis Philbin, John Stossel, Barney the Dinosaur, David Arquette or George Will, and the kicking team could get bonus points if these “personalities” were somehow involved in bone-jarring collisions.

I would sit through a halftime report for that.