^{The Love Bug}

The real genius of the Love Bug that slid its way around the world wrecking havoc with video games, pornography and other important computer functions has nothing to do with the programming. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure the virus itself is the work of an inspired genius. (I would never insult someone with the power to further wreck my credit rating.)

But lots of people write clever viruses that go nowhere and harm nothing. The Love Bug was effective because of its brilliant subject line. If it had said WORK FROM HOME or FREE SEX PIX or 200,000 E-MAIL ADDRESSES FOR DIRECT MAILING $$$$$!!!!! it would have plunged silently into electronic trash bins. Right now, a few dozen would-be pranksters are smacking themselves on the forehead, remembering their failed attempt to pass a virus along with the subject line A JOKE FOR YOU ...

Using the title I LOVE YOU guaranteed uncountable masses of computer users eagerly double-clicking and nervously sweating out the pause to discover who loves them. Who understood that underneath the pasty skin and atrophied muscles beats the heart of a Romeo? Who knew that truly personal communications should come through e-mail? I LOVE YOU.

Reportedly the virus went through the White House also. You'd think they of all people would know better. Hey, a little illicit sex at the office? What could go wrong?

The speed of this virus saturating the Internet should embarrass us all. Who really wants to look at a measure of desperation and loneliness? Especially when it shoots off the charts. We can overlook promises of riches, sex and even free software but leap at the chance that someone someone might love us. We should know better. It's the same old scam: buy this beer, deodorant, hairpiece or whatever and love will come your way. Just whip it out - your credit card, that is. 

Had the Love Bug been really destructive, people would have to come forward and admit that they fell for it. Can't you just picture hordes of embarrassed guys in the computer stores, hoping no one recognizes them from when they bought a new computer last month. "I need another one, alright! Just shut up! Maybe I make alot of money! Did you ever think of that! It has nothing to do with a virus!" Maybe that's a little mean-spirited, kicking someone when they're down. For some computer users, the Love Bug was their most romantic interlude since Laura Croft went swimming.

Don't you just get teary-eyed thinking about the thousands of guys getting tanked off of one Zima, straining to overturn their desk chairs and yelling "I'll never love again!" I'm willing to bet the programmer of the Love Bug will be punished more severely than other virus launchers. We're going to make her pay not just for the crime, but for the heartbreak. You can mess with the Internet, but toying with fragile egos is really destructive.